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XxKanexX
07-09-2006, 12:53 PM
Deep beyond the flesh now lies a wound of sin,
Forever i shall be cursed with what i have done,
and this is my only way out of this World.

Call me weak, Call me pathetic, I'm an Insignificant fool.
To those of who'm may care, I send my deepest sorrows of unfair.
Beyond the grave shall always lie my broken shattered heart,
The puzzle will never be solved of my forgiveness,
Of which the blood sheds throughout the valleys plains.

No-body can stop me, Even those who try,
The deed has already been done, The sobbing tears i cry.

Don't expect a crash in the waves, or a Whisper in the Tree's,
I'm not worth the trouble or hope from God who may try to help those in need.

You were the one who held my heart together when it was torn,
But now the strings have broken, and my soul dead and gone.

I'm now never seen,
I'm now never heard,
Am i being forgotten?
But why should i care?
These mistakes i made, The lives i took;
They leave me no dispair.

I don't want your love,
I don't want you care,
Because now you see, The final truth,
That i'll never be there.

Together, and Forever Gone.

Jewsus
09-09-2006, 08:05 AM
Deep beyond the flesh now lies a wound of sin,
Forever i shall be cursed with what i have done,
and this is my only way out of this World.

Cut out "and" in the third line


Call me weak, Call me pathetic, I'm an Insignificant fool.
To those of who'm may care, I send my deepest sorrows of unfair.
Beyond the grave shall always lie my broken shattered heart,
The puzzle will never be solved of my forgiveness,
Of which the blood sheds throughout the valleys plains.

Who'm=whom


I send my deepest sorrows of unfair makes no sense, re-word that.

"broken shattered heart" broken and shattered are the same in meaning, so take out of them.


The puzzle will never be solved of my forgiveness Once again, makes no sense, re-word it.


Of which the blood sheds throughout the valley plainsMaybe change to blood shedding through the valley plains; Or change it to where it makes sense.


No-body can stop me, Even those who try,
The deed has already been done, The sobbing tears i cry. Looks like you forced that rhyme with "try" and "cry", it should be "the sobbing tears--i cry".


Don't expect a crash in the waves, or a Whisper in the Tree's,
I'm not worth the trouble or hope from God who may try to help those in need. Tree's=Trees, Second line makes no sense, re-word.


You were the one who held my heart together when it was torn,
But now the strings have broken, and my soul dead and gone. This whole stanza is a cliché, re-word that.


I'm now never seen,
I'm now never heard,
Am i being forgotten?
But why should i care?
These mistakes i made, The lives i took;
They leave me no dispair.

I don't want your love,
I don't want you care,
Because now you see, The final truth,
That i'll never be there.

Together, and Forever Gone. If you are never heard or seen, isn't that a given that you are being forgotten? Wasn't the point of this chorus to emphasize your lack of appreciation and such? Not to say that you won't ever be there for that person, might want to change that up.

XxKanexX
09-17-2006, 06:07 AM
Cut out "and" in the third line



Who'm=whom

makes no sense, re-word that.

"broken shattered heart" broken and shattered are the same in meaning, so take out of them.

Once again, makes no sense, re-word it.

Maybe change to blood shedding through the valley plains; Or change it to where it makes sense.

Looks like you forced that rhyme with "try" and "cry", it should be "the sobbing tears--i cry".

Tree's=Trees, Second line makes no sense, re-word.

This whole stanza is a cliché, re-word that.

If you are never heard or seen, isn't that a given that you are being forgotten? Wasn't the point of this chorus to emphasize your lack of appreciation and such? Not to say that you won't ever be there for that person, might want to change that up.
I'll just cut some of the replies and say that i don't really care about grammer, weather it be spelling or punctuation.

"The sobbing tears i cry" - Must i explain again like in my previous thread. These arn't forced rhyming. Even though they rhyme, they still relate to the poem. "I cry" is there, because you "cry" tears.

"broken shattered heart" - They mean the same thing in some aspects. The broken is to exemplify the shattered half. Look outside the square, once again. "broken" - Could mean broken in half, or differenciated from the original.
"shattered" - Could mean broken into thousands of peices, "The glass shattered in countless peices over the kitchen floor.".

If you havn't noticed, I like to put firm description in my writing.