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Runescapian321
02-25-2008, 08:59 PM
http://www.signs-up.com/prod_images/Chicken_xing_thumb_640.jpg
Who knows?

(Wasn't sure whether this was the right forum or not, please move if it isn't, thanks)
(EDIT: Thought so :p, Somebody please move it when you have the chance)
(EDIT2: Discussions and Debates?? I think somebody didn't bother to read the first post lol)

Onto the main idea of this thread...

This thread is all about JOKES! When you're bored, stop by and read something funny and brighten up your day. If you're really bored, hunt out some good jokes from that overstuffed brain of yours and give us all a laugh!

I'll start it off with a good one that I heard at school today -

(CAUTION: A little bit of language and inappropriate content)


A Chinese guy walks into a store.

Chinese guy: "Can I have some bum? You know, the stuff you chew?"
Clerk: "You mean 'gum'?"
Chinese guy: "Ya"

*Hands him some gum*

Chinese guy: "Can I have a fuck-it? You know, the thing that holds water?"
Clerk: "You mean a 'bucket'?"
Chinese guy: "Ya"

*Hands him a bucket*

Chinese guy: "Can I have a cock-and spank-it? You know, the thing that barks?"
Clerk: "You mean a 'Cocker Spaniel'?"
Chinese guy: "Ya"

*Hands him a Cocker Spaniel*

The Chinese guy buys these things and walks out of the store. All of a sudden, the Cocker Spaniel runs away. The Chinese guy walks up to a person nearby.

Chinese guy: "Can you hold my bum and fuck-it while I catch my cock-and spank-it?"

You can't say that didn't make you chuckle ;)

Heres a few more good ones -


Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!




Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."



Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"



A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."



A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."



HALL OF FAME (The best jokes of all!):


(CAUTION: A little bit of language and inappropriate content)


A Chinese guy walks into a store.

Chinese guy: "Can I have some bum? You know, the stuff you chew?"
Clerk: "You mean 'gum'?"
Chinese guy: "Ya"

*Hands him some gum*

Chinese guy: "Can I have a fuck-it? You know, the thing that holds water?"
Clerk: "You mean a 'bucket'?"
Chinese guy: "Ya"

*Hands him a bucket*

Chinese guy: "Can I have a cock-and spank-it? You know, the thing that barks?"
Clerk: "You mean a 'Cocker Spaniel'?"
Chinese guy: "Ya"

*Hands him a Cocker Spaniel*

The Chinese guy buys these things and walks out of the store. All of a sudden, the Cocker Spaniel runs away. The Chinese guy walks up to a person nearby.

Chinese guy: "Can you hold my bum and fuck-it while I catch my cock-and spank-it?"

I'm not making a Hall of Shame because people would then post stupid stuff hoping to get onto it...

Have fun posting your jokes!

Cazax
02-25-2008, 09:14 PM
Wrong section.

Moved.

[S]paz
02-25-2008, 09:16 PM
erm cazax u dont have the power to move threads yet do u??

~Spaz

Cazax
02-25-2008, 09:21 PM
erm cazax u dont have the power to move threads yet do u??

~Spaz

obvioulsy not :p
i was just saying.

a ghetto boy
02-25-2008, 09:23 PM
Wrong section.

Moved.

Is this supposed to be a joke? (Even though the first part is true...)

My favorite- the Chinese guy joke :p

My contribution is not really a joke per say, but its the best comeback to a yo-mamma joke so I guess it would qualify, right?


-Insert yo-mamma joke here-

Hey! You keep my momma out of this and I'll keep this out of your momma!

red eyes 20
02-25-2008, 09:44 PM
watch the language. your going to get banned like yanix...
well they where funny but this belongs to the waste of time out section.
and i thought heardly any of them where funny. but im hard to amuse.

Runescapian321
02-25-2008, 09:49 PM
watch the language. your going to get banned like yanix...
well they where funny but this belongs to the waste of time out section.
and i thought heardly any of them where funny. but im hard to amuse.

Err, I don't remember yanix using language at all (Maybe I missed something?)...

And if it belongs in the waste of time out section then you're allowed to have language anyway :p + it's only a joke, it's not like I'm using it against someone.

You contradicted yourself? 'Well they were funny', 'I thought hardly any of them were funny'? Ah well. Cmon people post more jokes :)

Cazax
02-25-2008, 09:51 PM
watch the language. your going to get banned like yanix...
well they where funny but this belongs to the waste of time out section.
and i thought heardly any of them where funny. but im hard to amuse.

Nah, Runescapian is Community Member, KBD, and he is a SRL useful poster.

the beebster
02-25-2008, 09:55 PM
hahahahaha that one chinease one was funny

a ghetto boy
02-25-2008, 11:17 PM
Timer, you need to talk to your friend about his jokes, I gotta say it was pretty lame. :confused:

lakerzz8
02-26-2008, 12:15 AM
My friend made it up... :p
Sorry for my spelling.
and umm maybe vododildo is VodoDildough?
idk.. LoL

Edit:Opps, move to the Spam / Swearing Form!!! ^.^

Sorry to break it to you but your friend didn't make that joke up lol he read it online.




Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"



Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

GoF
02-26-2008, 01:09 PM
Why did you cross the road? Because your dick was stuck in the chickens ass.

Runescapian321
02-26-2008, 01:26 PM
Why did you cross the road? Because your dick was stuck in the chickens ass.

Correction:


Why did you cross the road? Because your dick was stuck in the chick's ass.


Lol. Jk.

More jokes please! :D

EDIT:

I just remembered a decent one...



(In the conference room with many important people from all over the US)

Dick Cheney: President Bush, we have gotten a hundred Brazilian troops to aid us in the war.
George Bush: Fantastic!

(After the conference thing)

George Bush (To Dick Cheney): How much is a brazillian?

n3ss3s
02-26-2008, 01:41 PM
GoF is almighty!

Another one that I saw in his MSN:


I dream of a day when chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned :) Though don't know is originally by him.. But if not - TOUGH LUCK AUTHOR!


The cocker spaniel one really wasn't very funny though - sorry, but they're all okay :)

TViYH
02-26-2008, 09:12 PM
The Bermuda Triangle was once the Bermuda Square until Chuck Norris round-house kicked a corner off.

http://chucknorrisfacts.com/ to get more.

EDIT: The chicken crossed the road because he was gay and saw a rainbow.