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JPHamlett
11-05-2009, 11:27 PM
Topic Choice: Quote

Introduction
A. Have you ever wished that you could switch places with someone else? Have you ever worked to change the style and mannerisms of a certain celebrity? Does the grass always seem greener on the other side and it would just be easier if you could be someone else?

B. According to the late Kurt Cobain, these kinds of thoughts can be terribly misguided. He once said "Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are."

C. Preview


Body Point One
A. lead singer and guitarist of Nirvana
1. Kurt Cobain, Krist Novoselic, Dave Grohl
2. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Made Grunge Music mainstream
3. Grunge originated in Seattle
3. Shotgun to the head and heroin in his system.
B. Kurt Cobain and Nirvana influenced alot of people with there music and quotes but here's why it is significant to me.


Body Point Two
A. Significant to me

1. Today's media influences. (celebrity sensationalism)
2. Self image set by using comparisons to others
3. Importance of self image (fitting in)

B. That why this quote is important to me, but there are some reasons why I shared it with you.

Body Point Three
A. Reasons why I shared it
1. Life is a very special gift dont waste it tring to be someone else
2. We are all unique and we all have something special to offer to this world.
3. Doesn’t mean that you should necessarily be following in their footsteps either. In doing so, you’ll always be one step behind.
B. Make you own path in life

Conclusion
A. "Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are."



can anyone help me with the preview and then tell me what you think of the outline for my speech



FYI B. is the clincher (transition)


im not used to it either but thats how my teacher does it

3Garrett3
11-06-2009, 12:07 AM
Topic Choice: Quote

Introduction
A. Have you ever wished that you could switch places with someone else? Have you ever worked to change the style and mannerisms of a certain celebrity? Does the grass always seem greener on the other side and it would just be easier if you could be someone else?

B. According to the late Kurt Cobain, these kinds of thoughts can be terribly misguided. He once said "Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are."

C. Preview


Body Point One
A. lead singer and guitarist of Nirvana
1. Kurt Cobain, Krist Novoselic, Dave Grohl
2. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Made Grunge Music mainstream
3. Grunge originated in Seattle
3. Shotgun to the head and heroin in his system.
B. Kurt Cobain and Nirvana influenced alot of people with there music and quotes but here's why it is significant to me.


Body Point Two
A. Significant to me

1. Today's media influences. (celebrity sensationalism)
2. Self image set by using comparisons to others
3. Importance of self image (fitting in)

B. That why this quote is important to me, but there are some reasons why I shared it with you.

Body Point Three
A. Reasons why I shared it
1. Life is a very special gift dont waste it tring to be someone else
2. We are all unique and we all have something special to offer to this world.
3. Doesn’t mean that you should necessarily be following in their footsteps either. In doing so, you’ll always be one step behind.
B. Make you own path in life

Conclusion
A. "Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are."



can anyone help me with the preview and then tell me what you think of the outline for my speech



FYI B. is the clincher (transition)


im not used to it either but thats how my teacher does it

I personally hate the way your teacher makes you do transitions.

The introduction is very well done. The questions arouse your interest, and they keep you going "yes, yes, yes!!!" and then you say "no" and the reader is like "wat" and wants to read why they are wrong.

In the case of most persuasive essays, which this appears to be, a thesis statement is very helpful. In case you don't know what this is, I will give you a breif.

A thesis statement sums up the point. It goes at the top of the essay, before the intro. Basically, you say "I think that..." and then take away the "I think that" part. For yours, a sample could be "Wanting to be like someone else is a waste of the person that you are." This is the main focus of your essay, and you want to prove that point by the end of the essay.

With that thesis, it is usefull to restate it at the end of the intro, and your body paragraphs, only with the wording different. This helps to conclude your paragraphs, and lets the reader know that you are really done with that part. It fits much better imo than the transition that your teacher is forcing upon you.

As a general suggestion, perhaps add the transition that is being forced.. instead of the end of the paragraph, make it the introduction to the next paragraph. It will flow much better, and the transition will be more visual with a break between paragraphs.

The conclusion could use some work. It seems as if you just ran out of steam in it. You should want to end your essay with the reader feeling as if they know something new. Remind them of the three reasons that they shouldn't want to be someone else. Say that they shouldn't, three reasons why, maybe a different quote, or a revisit to the original. It would bring much better closure to the essay.

For a more positive outlook, instead of just some CC, I really like the points that you have brought to the table. They seem well thought out, and they are very strong points. It should turn out to be a very well done essay if you follow those points, and touch up the couple parts I mentioned maybe.

As I finish this, I realize that you start the essay with Kurt Cobain, but you end it off with yourself. I think it would bring more finality to the essay if you brought him back into it, and stated that he was so influential for you and things, because it will help a reader relate to the beginning better.

That's all I can think of for now. I hope it helps :)

JPHamlett
11-06-2009, 12:26 AM
I personally hate the way your teacher makes you do transitions.

The introduction is very well done. The questions arouse your interest, and they keep you going "yes, yes, yes!!!" and then you say "no" and the reader is like "wat" and wants to read why they are wrong.

In the case of most persuasive essays, which this appears to be, a thesis statement is very helpful. In case you don't know what this is, I will give you a breif.

A thesis statement sums up the point. It goes at the top of the essay, before the intro. Basically, you say "I think that..." and then take away the "I think that" part. For yours, a sample could be "Wanting to be like someone else is a waste of the person that you are." This is the main focus of your essay, and you want to prove that point by the end of the essay.

With that thesis, it is usefull to restate it at the end of the intro, and your body paragraphs, only with the wording different. This helps to conclude your paragraphs, and lets the reader know that you are really done with that part. It fits much better imo than the transition that your teacher is forcing upon you.

As a general suggestion, perhaps add the transition that is being forced.. instead of the end of the paragraph, make it the introduction to the next paragraph. It will flow much better, and the transition will be more visual with a break between paragraphs.

The conclusion could use some work. It seems as if you just ran out of steam in it. You should want to end your essay with the reader feeling as if they know something new. Remind them of the three reasons that they shouldn't want to be someone else. Say that they shouldn't, three reasons why, maybe a different quote, or a revisit to the original. It would bring much better closure to the essay.

For a more positive outlook, instead of just some CC, I really like the points that you have brought to the table. They seem well thought out, and they are very strong points. It should turn out to be a very well done essay if you follow those points, and touch up the couple parts I mentioned maybe.

As I finish this, I realize that you start the essay with Kurt Cobain, but you end it off with yourself. I think it would bring more finality to the essay if you brought him back into it, and stated that he was so influential for you and things, because it will help a reader relate to the beginning better.

That's all I can think of for now. I hope it helps :)


she had us follow a sheet and that all the shet had for a conclusion so i followed the sheet even though that is not how i was tought to make speeches at all


and by bring kurt back in to it do u mean inb the last point or in the conclusion



and thank you

3Garrett3
11-06-2009, 12:30 AM
she had us follow a sheet and that all the shet had for a conclusion so i followed the sheet even though that is not how i was tought to make speeches at all


and by bring kurt back in to it do u mean inb the last point or in the conclusion



and thank you

I meant for you to mention him during the conclusion, because it would bring the focus to the start, and help the reader refocus on what they started with.

JPHamlett
11-06-2009, 12:34 AM
I meant for you to mention him during the conclusion, because it would bring the focus to the start, and help the reader refocus on what they started with.

ya thats not my conclusion that the outline im gonna write up the whole speech at the track saturday ill be sitting there for about 4 hours with nothing to do so ill take a laptop and work on it