Chuck Norris Jokes

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk, when the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris.
Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim on land.
At night the boogeyman looks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no such thing as global warming, Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.
When Chuck Norris falls off a boat, he doesnt get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris'd.
Under Chuck Norris's beard is just another fist.
The world was flat until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it.
Chuck Norris pushed jack and jill down the hill.
Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on... why? not because hes afraid of the dark but because the dark is afraid of him.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can beat a wall in tennis.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he doesn't cry.
People decided to bottle Chuck Norris' pee. It's commonly known as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

It was hard to decide what forum I should post it in... BBQ Pit or General Dump?

If it looks like beef, tastes like beef and smells like beef, but Chuck Norris says its chicken, its fucking chicken.

Chuck Norris and hsi wife were celebrating Thanksgiving, and his wife tells Chuck 'Chuck dear, I've burnt the turkey'. 'No problems' says Chuck, who goes outside and eats a live turkey, he walks back inside and spits the turkey back out, cooked with all the trimmings and cranberry sauce. When his wife asks how Chuck did it, he roundhouse kicks her in the face and says 'Never fucking question Chuck!'

Chuck Norris crossed the road, no one dared question his motives.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to cut his grass, he simply walks outside and dares it to grow.

If you see Chuck, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck, you only have seconds to live.

People wear Superman underwear. Superman wears Chuck Norris underwear.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When chuck norris does a push up, he's not pulling himself up - he's pushing the world down :)

god made us, chuck norris made god..

God is only called God because the name Chuck Norris was taken.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not Butter

When Chuck gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live :p

*sigh* Chuck Norris jokes are the oldest and least funny crap on the internet. Damn Conan O'Brien to hell for making that dickless monkey famous.

God wanted to make the world in 10 days, Chuck Norris gave him 7.
Chuck Norris makes Onions cry.

@GoF...it doesnt matter, thats not the point. Theres always somebody that has to ruin the fun.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear condoms to keep from getting STDs...He wears them to keep them from getting Chuck Norriss...
When cops pull Chuck Norris over... he gives them a ticket.
Chuck Norris doesn't get high on Cocaine .... Cocaine gets high on Chuck Norris.

chuck norris doesn't get laid, laid gets chuck.
It rains when Chuck Norris goes to heaven and roundhouse kicks God in the face.
Who's Chuck Norris afraid of? BLACK CHUCK NORRIS

This is soooooooooooooooo lame -_-

Mine: Chuck Norris jokes aren't lame, those who tell the jokes are.

-Tsn.

Chuck Norris died laughing at my jokes.

heres the best so far... i can't believe no one said it:

Chuck Norris was walking down the street when he had an erection-- there were no survivors.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by footballjds

heres the best so far... i can't believe no one said it:

Chuck Norris was walking down the street when he had an erection-- there were no survivors.

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That my lol

chuck norris lost his virginity before his dad
the small print in the back of the guinness world records says "all records are owned by chuck norris, this is just the closest anyone else has ever gotten"

Chuck Norris does all his grocery shopping at The Home Depot.

~Sandstorm

chuck norris' penis is so large it has a penis growing out of the end of it and it's still bigger than yours.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SandoS

chuck norris' penis is so large it has a penis growing out of the end of it and it's still bigger than yours.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

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@ your sig, 13 GB torrent... GTA4? lol ;D

Warning!: GraveDIG
[Offtopic] I came across a problem... do I dig this thread up.. or do I make a new one???[/Offtopic]

I was hanging out with some friends.. at my house.. and out of nowhere I thought of one... I have never heard it before... so I am somewhat sure I created it...

"Pikachu chooses Chuck Norris.."

Chuck norris has orgasms every 10000 years. Hence, "Yellowstone eruption"

chuck norris once visited the virgin islands, it is now known as " the islands"

chuck norris once lost his left testicle, this is what we call "jupiter"

broke back mountain isnt a movie, its the pile of dead ninjas in chuck norris's back yard

chuck norris finds speaking roles in silent films.

Chuck norris can slam a revolving door.
haw haw haw