Welcome everyone, this thread is basically a continuation of my BLOG. The difference being the layout, and the actual purpose of the thread. The last thread was just a place for me to write down the things I do in my life, while this one is more goal oriented (With goals, and how I am achieving them). Yes still expect me to talk about how I feel about things, what is going on in my life but also expect to see me grow as a person! Which in reality is the only real goal of this thread.
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The Layout
***10/8/2013***
Small update to how things are done, Soul will now be perm active because lets be honest you can't put that on the back burner. Other than that everything else is the same. So the information below might be slightly inacurate just adjust to it
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There will be three stages that will cycle, the stages are Intelligence/Physique/Relationships. I believe this is the healthiest combination I could find, as it involves further stimulating my brain, my body, and my soul (for you "sciency" folk the amygdala and hippocampus).
Now when I do something I tend to over do it, and crash and burn. To prevent this situation from happening I decided to focus my "hardcore" attention to one part of the three stages for a certain time period then move onto the next part of the stages. This will prevent me from the normal occurrence of "crash and burn" as it forces me to have variety. I am just wired weirdly I guess!
This doesn't mean I will just give up on the other two stages, no this means I will put them on the back burner they will still receive attention in my life but they won't be the main focus of it. In other words if my focus was Stage(intelligence) I would still work out, I would still talk to people to maintain the relationships I currently have etc. but I won't be trying some new hardcore diet that requires 99% of my attention all day and I won't be trying to make 10 new friends in a week etc.
The three stages
Stage(Intelligence)
Stage(Physique)
Stage(Soul)
Current Stage
Stage(Intelligence)
What I am doing for Stage(Intelligence) *ACTIVE STAGE*
This gets updated daily, with the date etc.<Stage Intelligence>
7/20/2013
7/21/2013Well lets kick this off!
I recently purchased a subscription to Lynda.com as I have about a month left before I must return to college I figured I might as well try to learn Java and other Misc. items that can be found on Lynda.com such as photoshop/dreamweaver.
To date I have watched these videos
Converting numeric values
Understanding operators
Working with character values
Working with boolean values
Outputting primitive values as strings
Creating a simple calculator application
Exploring Syntax and Flow
Writing conditional code
Using the switch statement
Repeating code blocks with loops
Creating reusable code with methods
Declaring methods with arguments
Overloading method names with different signatures
Passing arguments by reference or by value
Creating a more complex calculator application
Working with Complex Objects
Using the String class
Building strings with StringBuilder
Parsing string values
Working with date values
Exception Handling and Debugging
Understanding compile-time vs. runtime errors
Handling exceptions with try/catch
Throwing exceptions in methods
Using the debugger
Using Data Collections
Using simple arrays
Unfortunately though I did know most of this material prior to watching the videos so it wasn't of much help but it did help reinforce many of these ideas and I did learn a few tricks in eclipse to make programming significantly easier! Such as auto completion for codding, and eclipses ability to guess the next best choice etc. The upcoming videos though are what I really needed to reinforce, they include advanced arrays/file systems and forms all things I tended to struggle with during my last academic year.
7/24/2013So yesterday/today I have been rather busy as my sister came home but this is no excuse not to learn, so I managed to get some learning in!
I watched and studied these videos:
Using two-dimensional arrays
Managing resizable arrays with ArrayList
Managing unordered data with HashMap
Looping through collections with iterators
I have always sucked with arrays so it was nice to get a formal introduction for them, in all honesty I will probably stick with arrayList as it seems to be the most versatile but HashMap also seems to be quite interesting (Never knew this one existed until I saw this video). The looping with iterators was also kind of cool, as I am not a huge for loop kind of guy and I love the while loop it was nice to see the change. (I understand for loop etc, but there is something about the while loop I really like)
In terms of learning I also read this tutorial posted by TehYosh: http://villavu.com/forum/showthread.php?t=104874
Not going to say I learned it due to the high amount of steps but I did complete it and it look fairly identical to the product of the tutorial!
and the learning continues...
9/2/2013Well today is an interesting day, I don't think I will be studying Java tonight due to time constraints but what I have been studying the past few days was philosophy logic.
I am taking a summer course and the final is tomorrow, so I am studying up! Basically what I am re-learning is symbolism (Example: Wynona does not under this problem, on the condition that Luis is laughing uproariously. Answer: L > ~W (Because Luis (L) is the antecedent and only(>) happens when Wynona (W) does not(~) understand). I also have to re-learn truth tables which are fairly simple just organizing everything into a table and assigning truth values then through basic patterns eliminating the solutions that could be valid to be left with the invalid if there are any. Lastly and the most difficult part of this course are the proofs but because of my slight knowledge of computer programming this was significantly easier for me than the rest of the class it appeared.
Example of a simple logic proof:
1) (A -> S) & (B -> F)
2) (A v B)
3) (S -> B) & (F -> W)
Conclusion: (B v W)
So here we are looking to prove B v W, (Simply finding it)
I see there is a B and a W in line 3 but to grab them I need to perform a Constructive Dilemma which basically means combining the second part of each of those conditionals so the B from (S -> B) and the W from (F -> W) but the catch here is I need the first part of both sections to be able to perform a CD. So I look up and I see in line one I can perform another CD to get the S and F, but the problem here is I need A v B but luckily there is one in Line two just waiting for me to use! So the problem is solved: step 4) S v F (1,2 CD) step 5) B v W (3,4 CD).
I also learned one other thing today, it is rather MISC but I thought it was really cool so I committed it to memory!
It is called a trinity knot, its a different way to tie your tie!
Here is a picture of one: http://static.neatorama.com/images/2...inity-knot.jpg
Here is the tut I followed: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPyxTrhsBiM
When I buy some more solid colored ties, next up is the eldredge!
and the learning continues...
10/8/2013Intelligence wise lets see how far I was able to get..
so I was able to finish the beginner java tutorials on lynda.com, I have received my first assignment from my data structures and algorithms class.
This is the assignment:
I was thinking of first starting with importing/exporting files then moving onto creating an array and traversing through the file to count them. Then creating a tostring method where I would have it paste the letters from most frequent to least frequent (Have a counter, to count the frequency of letters) Well something like that, this is my first time looking at the assignmentCode:Total: 10pts Write a Java program that reads a text file, counts the frequency of each alphabet character in the file, outputs the alphabet characters and frequencies to an output file, and also outputs the alphabet with the highest frequency. Here are some details: 1. Only the alphabet characters are counted; punctuation marks, numbers, symbols, etc are not be counted. 2. A capital case letter is treated the same as the corresponding lower case letter. 3. Your program should take the input and output file names as command line arguments. 4. Test your programs with several input files to make sure your programs run correctly. 5. Submit your source files (only .java files) to D2L before class.
Other than that (That class seems like it will be just programming) I am taking hardware systems (A lot of circuits etc. then a lot of assembly programming.) and discrete math (Pretty tough so far, lots of different material I am just unfamiliar with) The other classes are criminology and theology (Required electives).
Yep! That is my quick recap!
11/28/2013I am sorry for lack of update, life is rough been VERY VERY busy!
Intelligence wise lets see how far I was able to get..
so in my discrete mathematics class, feel like I am getting a handle but dang that class is actually pretty rough its so "logical" and I really don't think that way regardless of how much the teacher tries to convince us we all do. The proofs are brutal because I have no idea what I am doing sometimes, got a D on my first exam not really pleased about that I have my next one next week. Am aiming for a B at the minimum.
In my Data Structures and algorithms class, we are writing basic algorithms and using them in code finally (Am doing significantly better in this class, received a B on my first Exam). At this moment I am writing a program using the stack algorithm, not a fan am a little confused but am meeting with a tutor in about 3 hours to help me finish so no worries!
In my Hardware Systems class (No idea what is going on, literally zone out the second I get in the class because when I pay attention I understand next to nothing). I managed to scrape by getting a C on the last exam (Not really sure how I did so, but I managed)...
Am looking into finding someone to help me with this class later, as I don't want to retake it ever...
The rest of my classes criminology and Theology are really easy, I love criminology it is probably the class I learn the most in (Surprisingly) so many interesting facts that are just surprising. Example (Excuse me if this sounds racist): If you are not black, you have a lower chance of getting mugged by a black person. Apparently this was proven by the numbers. Theology is just an easy A class, that is mandatory for 3 years -.-...
7/27/2014...Again, sorry for lack of updates!
Intelligence wise lets see, well I didn't get far. In fact I think my actual intellect has dropped since the last time I posted, I just have been feeling lazy. I hope that feeling will be ending soon, God knows next semester will be hell (my hardest semester).
Hardware systems is killing me, assembly is just annoying and tough. Data structures is a joke, I am skating by in that class with minimal effort. Criminology, ha good times. Discrete math, didn't do as great as I had hoped on my last test but I am passing and I guess that is what matters in the end. Lastly my theology class, although a really easy class we just had our "final" paper and that thing took me about 9 hours to write...I mean I had an entire two months to write it, but I kinda procrastinated till the last night >.<.. My bad!
I should probably turn intelligence off considering I am not really focusing on it, but I plan to change that in a few days as I have very hard finals coming up as well as pre-learning stuff for my operating systems class next semester (C, and re-learning assembly). I am using lynda.com to learn both. (Will start in about two weeks)
School, one more week of two classes I was taking this summer.. can happily say I am not taking the final for either, my grades are high enough if I get a 0 on either final I will still have the grade to transfer. I want this to be a different type of year, I hate struggling behind the rest of my peers... its not that I am dumb, its that I am so unmotivated. I need to find ways to motivate myself, I will be experimenting for the month of august. Summer school was different, it wasn't really all too difficult to make the grades through "any" means possible.
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What I am doing for Stage(Physique) *ACTIVE STAGE*
This gets updated daily, with the date etc.<Stage Physique>
8/3/2013
9/2/2013Not sure if you noticed, but I have activated both Intelligence and Physique sections of this "project" mind you this is a temporary thing I will not do this often only because when I make too many things my priority I burn out. This (double threat)
I will update intelligence later tonight after I learn something lol, this is a physique update!
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So I have 3 weeks till school starts again and I decided I wanted to lose 5-8 pounds so I come back to school a little smaller and look less like a bully more like a kid in shape haha.
My plan:
Insanity every day till school starts
2 creatine tabs a day
4 beta alaline tabs a day
2 source life multi-vitamins daily
1 Lipo6 Hardcore Black edition thermogenic pill daily
1 allegra pill (For allergies, just decided to list it )
3 scoops of protein powder a day (90 grams of protein)
Food:
Meat
Meat
Meat
Maybe a salad
I aim to get around 150-180 grams of protein a day and 2.2k calories a day.
Starting weight: 190
Hopeful ending weight: 182-185
Insanity starts tomorrow, will update with that (I am starting at month two, as I am in uhh a "decent" shape right now)
Wish me luck!
10/8/2013I am turning off physique because what I am doing is very repetitive (I did not do insanity) but what I did do was follow a workout plan that looks somewhat like this
Week one:
M: Chest/Shoulders (12 reps)
T: Jump training/Legs (12 reps)
W: Arms (12 reps)
Th: Chest/Shoulders (12 reps)
F: Jump Training/Legs (12 reps)
Week two:weight up
M: Chest/Shoulders (10 reps)
T: Jump training/Legs (10 reps)
W: Arms (10 reps)
Th: Chest/Shoulders (10 reps)
F: Jump Training/Legs (10 reps)
Week Three:weight up
M: Chest/Shoulders (8 reps)
T: Jump training/Legs (8 reps)
W: Arms (8 reps)
Th: Chest/Shoulders (8 reps)
F: Jump Training/Legs (8 reps)
Week Three: weight up
M: Chest/Shoulders (6 reps)
T: Jump training/Legs (6 reps)
W: Arms (6 reps)
Th: Chest/Shoulders (6 reps)
F: Jump Training/Legs (6 reps)
Then I repeat for the next month but I increase the starting weight. I won't be posting about this because of the repetitive nature of these events.
11/28/2013Fitness
I know this is inactive, but I am making a huge change in my fitness goals and this is to actually cut down (Which I haven't done in months) I made a bet with a friend to get under a 6:30 mile again, if I don't I will be doing something for a month straight not decided yet. I used to run a 5:37 but pretty sure if I ran a mile now I would be like 12 minutes haha jk but it would be pretty high my endurance is slaaackinggg... I am taking the steps in increasing my mile time currently by running every day, lifting a little less and focusing on my heart and lung health.
12/3/2013Fitness (Turned it back on)
I am just a slacker, not sure what happened this last month but I did not have the drive to get out of bed most days and have been busy with other things (Really not an excuse at all, just a scrub).
Again I plan on changing all of this, I know I keep saying it. I am hoping to prove myself this time.
My goal is a super month, what is a super month? It is a month I complete a lot of my goals physical and mental (C Lang and assembly as described above).
My physical goals are:
Drop BF drastically
Increase Muscle Tone
(Generic, I know...)
If there is one thing I can do, it is Insanity (Completed the program twice now)
I plan on starting at the max interval videos (level 2)
While ALSO doing German Volume Training
It is a strength program where you lift a lot more volume than you do weight.
My program will look like:
Monday
DB Flat Bench
10x10, 40s, 1 min rest between sets.
Seated Rows
10x10 (Not sure yet about weight)
Incline DB Bench
3x10 40lbs
T-Bar rows
3x10 85lbs
Tuesday
Machine Squats
10x10, 1 min rest between sets
Leg Press Machine (Might do this instead of squats, since my gym doesn't have a squat machine... and I just can't squat in the morning when I workout.)
10x10, 1 min rest
Calf Raises
3x10
Weighted Abs
3x15
Friday
10x10
Dips
Incline Hammer Curls
10x10, 1 min rest
Dumbbell Lying Rear Lateral Raise
3x10, 1 min rest
Machine Lateral Raises
3x10, 1 min rest, 65lbs
Tricep Pull down
3x10
I want to eat around 3k calories a day, maybe 2.5k.
12/30/2013Just fitness today, as that is basically all I have been focusing on.
Wow, so yesterday was my first day of this GVT it is pretty intense. I can honestly say it is one of the hardest strength workouts I have ever completed you are just mind numbingly unable to move weights after that 10th set. I used 40lb dbs for bench press (10 reps/10 sets) its really light but that high repetition really takes a toll on your muscles. I used 70lb for seated row 10 reps/10 sets (I originally used 60 for the first set, 80 for the next 4, then 70 for the rest). When I tried db incline bench, I struggled to get 40 up so I moved down to 35 lol this was just pure muscle fatigue because I have never seen myself fail on 40lb before (Normally am doing 65-70lb) 10 reps 3 sets. I finished it off with T-Bar row, was intense loved it. (45lb) 10 reps 3 sets.
Then I was thoroughly exhausted but does my day end there... unfortunately not. I turned on my laptop and fired up some Insanity Max Interval Circuit. This isn't a regular video, this is an hour long Max Interval HIIT Cardio video (Meaning instead of short burst of exercise and longer breaks, its long bursts of exercise and short breaks). This basically killed me but am glad to say I survived
I would of been thoroughly pleased with my day but I slacked severally on diet, I just don't think I ate enough or ate enough protein for that matter... I probably had around 90g of protein and about 2000 whereas I should of been at around 2500 calories with 190g of protein.
I started today off a lot better, protein shake (68g) 470 calories including milk. I also had an omelet with ham and cheese (Probably around 500 calories, 30g protein) Then I had 3 sausage links, 90 calories 18g protein. I need to get another 80g or so, should be easy as I will eat some chicken breast that should bump me another 30-40 then just finish it off strong with something that will get me another 40.
I did legs today, couldn't squat... Just couldn't, ended up doing a bunch of smaller leg exercises along with leg press for 10x10.
1/2/2014You can see, I am rather fat these days... WAAAY fatter than I used to be, combination of bad things happening in life and laziness have left me as I am.
http://i.imgur.com/fOKgqnn.png?1
This was this morning at like 7am, right after waking up.
New topic...
I am in the process of buying new clothes, I figure a new year a new me. I want to start dressing the part, instead of dressing lazy which in my head makes me feel lazy.
I actually have a lot of "resolutions etc." will post em tomorrow. But today I want to just post a few clothing things I am considering buying.
Here are a few things I currently own that I really like, just so you get a taste of where I am headed.
(also have a pair of darker blue jeans, same fit)
I also have a collection of dress shirts (solid colors: Gray, White, Cyan, Turquoise)
Then a bunch of shirts, I rarely wear due to fit/color/worn out. (I kind of had to re-buy an entire wardrobe as I went from highschool to college... I grew drastically in that time frame.
Anyways!
Here are some things I am looking into purchasing, comments are welcome (especially if you don't like it, or don't think I can pull it off due to my build.. Picture is in last entry)
Jacket, I have been wanting one.. not sure how it will fit though due to me buying it online -.-.. Will buy a large size.
Eh so this company on amazon, makes all these weird comments about size... which kind of scares me as it says if you are a medium you should get a large in US sizes but then in the comments I hear people saying they are 5'9 and 165 pounds and they got the XL and it fits perfectly so not completely sure what is going on here will probably email them and see what they recommend as I am 6'0 190.
I really like this, but again same company and in the comments people keep saying even if you are really skinny if you have big arms the shirt won't fit (even with the XXL) so because of that I am just going to look for something similar from a company I know and is true to size.
Same with this shirt, maybe ill just lose like 30 pounds I mean... I probably should.
This shirt, not too sure on it yet. I think it may be too much, not trying to look flaming gay .. no offense to anyone who may take offense.
I want a wool gray tie, feel like this could go with anything.
While id opt for the gray, the black looks like it could go with virtually anything whereas the gray might clash and not going to buy both way too much money.
1/8/2014So I am going to write my resolutions for 2014 here!
Last year I wrote a crap ton and well the one I actually achieved was the workout one, weird enough this was the only one I actually took the time to hand write (and maybe this subconsciously made me, want to achieve it).
So I decided to write all my goals down this time! (I have a notebook ) I am notorious for starting something very strong ...then letting it die. So with that in mind, I made my goals (I had this in mind last year for my fitness goal as well, and because I had this in mind I didn't aim toooo high and I was able to achieve them in about 4 months time. (bench 50lb db's, shoulder press 55lb dbls, curl 35, etc. etc. (Easy goals but things I couldn't do, that I can now do very easily!)
Without further ado:
I want to have visible abs by June 2014
I want to be able to comfortably bench 75lb dbls (I can currently do 75's, but I want to do 3 sets of 12)
I want to be able to comfortably shoulder press 75lb dbls (Same situation as above)
I want to be able to do 450lb leg press (3 sets/12 reps) I can currently do that with 410lb
And my most difficult physical goal run a 6:30 mile, in highschool I ran a 5:37 but now I would be lucky to get a 9 minute mile probably.
Non physical goals:
Know and understand: Java, C, and Assembly Languages.
Maintain the friends I do have, I tend to let people go very easily...and I shouldn't be like that.
Don't go back, I tend to go back to things that have worked in the past even though I know they won't work in the future.
New Girls, same situation as the don't go back one.. I need to move onto girls that I feel respect me and want to be with me.
Judge less, I am the type of person who judges someone immediately and this causes me to be in the situation of becoming friends with them way later than need be since I judged them incorrectly.
Stop quitting, like I stated earlier I always quit something early or just don't finish what I start... I hate that about myself, and I really want to fix it so I taken a few small measures (such as rewarding myself, writing things down, taking proper care of myself (because image, even to yourself has a large impact on how you behave) so I have started putting my contacts in more often, staying organized, and dressing better.
Stop caring what people think about me, while I know I can't do this one because I simply care too much (I feel like I am hardwired this way) I do want to give it less hold on my life, currently I live my life in order to gain respect from other people but I want to live my life for me not for others. So if this means not getting called out for a night of drinking and fun, well so be it.
I made this notebook, that has my entire workout plan in it (84 days, each one is a different workout) and every 7 days I have a little self reflection portion... where I want to reflect on my life, and tell my notebook what I have learned in the past 7 days; I want this to be about school. As I feel like I scrape through my life without actually learning anything, and well that is horrible! I want to learn, I need to learn, so I want to do this once weekly thing before I do something drastic like once daily (that I just won't do).
This is the workout I am using: http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/kris...y-trainer.html
I need to stop using gimmick workouts, thus something super formulated is what I want and will actually inspire me to follow it. I love how it is different every day, and all I am taking is Creatine, Beta Alanine, C4, and protein powder (60grams).
I have Lipo-6 fat burner, but I am not going to take it.. I like my kidneys.
1/21/2014These workouts are great! I am really starting to feel it all over my body, I am far more energetic and I really feel on top of my game.
Yesterdays Chest workout was really great, normally I rarely feel a chest workout the next day and that may say something about my chest workouts but I really do feel this one in my chest.
This was todays workout (Shoulders):
Supersetting and Drop sets have really amped up the workouts, and really gets me going!
3/3/2014So I haven't updated in a while! Schools been kicking my butt, classes are VERY tough but that is for another day.
Today I want to talk fitness! I have been keeping up with my plan on day 23 now, not sure if there is visible progress but strength wise I am drastically stronger in virtually every area besides biceps.. not sure whats going on there. I benched with 75lb db's the other day, normally I tend to stick with 65- just because I was comfortable with them lol. I want to get to 100lb db's by the end of this year, not sure if that is possible but would be great! (100 for 6 reps). I am doing 75 for 6 reps / 2 sets right now.
Other physical goals, I want to be leg pressing 500lbs on the regular for 10 reps/3 sets current I do 400lbs for 10 reps/3 sets. Otherrr than that I still need to lose my body fat ...
6/10/2014Its been a while since I posted here, honestly life has gotten the better of me... been so busy! I am just going to post about fitness, not really to keen on school at the moment.
I have continued to follow my routine, everything is up! I am benching 85's (db's), leg pressing 450+, etc. etc. Everything has been improving besides my diet. My diet blows, I have no idea how to control my appetite or cravings..I know it sounds girly. It is a struggle.
Hope you all are doing well
7/27/2014Schools done! So I have been home for about a month now, I have summer school in a week so... I am just enjoying the little free time I have left.
I have been lifting very hard recently, I feel like I look exactly the same -.-... I really feel like its my diet that is holding me back so much now, either I am not consuming enough calories to lose weight or I am secretly eating food unconsciously lol. I went from 205 to 193, but I have been at 193 for the past 3 weeks without a real breakthrough for a while. Its getting on my nerves...
Anyway hope you all are doing well!
***I made these goals in the start of the year, im just striking the ones I have accomplished.
I want to have visible abs by June 2014
I want to be able to comfortably bench 75lb dbls (I can currently do 75's, but I want to do 3 sets of 12)
I want to be able to comfortably shoulder press 75lb dbls (Same situation as above)
I want to be able to do 450lb leg press (3 sets/12 reps) I can currently do that with 410lb
And my most difficult physical goal run a 6:30 mile, in highschool I ran a 5:37 but now I would be lucky to get a 9 minute mile probably.
Abs goal is changing, I don't want 6 pack abs anymore lol well not a chiseled 6 pack. I have friends with them and the concern they put on their diet and ab work is beyond anything I ever want to do myself. "Hey lets go drink/eat" "no, I will consume too many calories". I would rather enjoy myself than restrict my life to look good when my shirt is off. I am content with a flat stomach, nothing really protruding lol while still enjoying myself one night a week etc.
Shoulders goal is still there, I don't know its just very difficult for me to get my shoulders up to 75lb I struggle at 60s for 10 reps.
The 6:30 mile goal, while I crossed it off I can't say I actually completed it. Its not that i don't have the cardiovascular endurance its that my shins cannot handle the pressure of my body. I am faster, I don't get as tired its simply my body can't handle all that force.
Chest I am doing 75s for 12x3 pretty constantly
Leg pressing 540 10x3
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I started growing a beard about a month ago, I want to see where this will go lol
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What I am doing for Stage(Soul) ***PERM ACTIVE STAGE***
This gets updated, with the date etc.<Stage Soul>
8/3/2013
10/8/2013Hey guys I am back! Thanks for all the comments wishing me a safe trip I kid I don't actually care lol, anyway the trip was a lot of fun! That was a definite "soul" booster, and a well needed vacation! I normally never take vacation (in fact this was my first non-stressful vacation of my life, perhaps my second but I don't really remember my childhood ...)
I went with my mom and visited my cousins in long island then with my cousins we explored the city did a bunch of touresty things. Here are a few pictures of the places I went (Its in an album cause well.. I have like 40 pictures )
http://imgur.com/a/GEX1k#0
Anyway all in all had a great time, made some new connections mingled with people I have never met before!
11/28/2013Soul
I decided to make this one permanently active, because lets be honest when does a person not react to emotions/their soul besides for gingers. (Just kidding).
I have been dealing with some depression recently, not sure what was going on... I mean everything in my life is "good" I have everything I need to live, got things for luxury, got a girlfriend, what else did I want/need. I really didn't know but during this time I wanted to just quit and sit in a corner by myself. I thought of suicide but I knew I knew I would never go through with it so I tossed it out of the equation. I tried to figure out what was causing this pain, slowly began to realize it was my relationship with my dad and the relationship I had with some of my friends. The relationship with my dad was stressful he is an alcoholic who doesn't really understand the repercussions of his actions ever, no matter how many times I tell him he needs to stop drinking its not going to happen. He will just get into another drunken rage either hit someone or say something very offensive and I felt like it was my responsibility to be the one to stop him in those situation but being 2 hours away at my university coming home wasn't that simple. The last thing I want to hear is something happened while I was away at college from my sister who my mom will call and tell. (They try to keep me out of the loop in family problems because they all know it affects me, and I tend to get very pissed). This has sorta gotten better as my mom isn't really getting in his way and he has cut down on the drinking temporarily because of sickness.
The other huge problem in my life was my friends, I felt as though they were all trying to exclude me for some reason. I am sure it wasn't intentional it was because they were just getting closer with each other while I was kinda away in depression cloud, and coming back to this wasn't the greatest. Since then I realized I needed to branch out of my central core group of friends, I started pledging for a fraternity and its nice having a bunch of guys be there for you, and my central core group of friends and I started doing stuff together again. I am fine if I do not need to be around people all the time now, and value my alone time now.
Anyway I don't know if anybody still reads my posts, but if you do thanks! I am a lot better than when I started having these feelings of depression. I actually feel content again, and am in a much better place.
12/27/2013Soul
Well I do feel better, I want to thank Cause for the positive encouragement. Its nice to know you have people who want the best for you in places you wouldn't expect! Here is a link to his thread: http://villavu.com/forum/showthread.php?t=105048 It really is the small things that make all the difference.
Anyways!
Like I was saying I don't feel too bad anymore, there are still moments I struggle but I tend to be able to climb out of that dark place. I came to terms with a lot of things, and stopped trying to impress people all the time. If people don't like me, then okay that is fine.
Now for good things in my life, I am happy with my girlfriend no complaints there. We were a little shaky at some points but we really got into a good territories again, one thing that I can say though is... she doesn't really know me, in fact those of you who read this blog probably know more about my not too stable mental state haha.. Now that I think about it, you guys would be the only people who know about that maybe besides my roommate who I tried to confide in at one point. Anyway! Good things, I am pledging for a Fraternity and I am almost in. I really do like it, having a bunch of guys who are not the same as your other friends and accept you for you is a nice change. I like almost all of them and that is surprising considering I hate most people I meet. I have one more test, then a final vote! Wish me luck
If its not evident, I am just over-stressed.. slowly breaking down but I believe I can change this. I just need to organize, and relax. Harder done than said though!
1/21/2014Well today my girlfriend of 5 months broke up with me, eh I saw it coming guess we were moving too fast or she just didn't feel it. Kind of sucks, you put so much time and effort into something to see it fall apart regardless (We actually dated before, so I guess I made the mistake of going back to an ex). Oh well, this is the reason I really haven't done anything during my winter break... most of the time was spent trying to fix this relationship or moping around hoping everything goes well. (Thus I apologize for my current physique). I think I deserve better though, I am not an asshole well least I don't think I am! I want to be in a relationship where I am respected. I actually haven't been single in many years, I think I may actually take this time and just be single for a while instead of going back on the hunt immediately. I need to reflect on my life.
This is the song that has been plaguing me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA
4/25/2014Hmm update here, well I am back at school so I decided to give a little update on my life etc. While I still feel sorta bad about not being included on things, I have noticed this is actually not happening nearly as much. Even when I am not included because I am not part of a certain clique I always have something to do because well I am part of a fraternity now! So that huge issue I was dealing with is much much more dulled, and without me constantly talking to a girl (Like I always was in the past, I have some sort of weird "can't be alone" complex (at least I feel I do) not physically but mentally I have to know there is some one I can talk to/do this with/etc etc. but since the breakup I made a pact with myself not to date someone new for a while just because I need to learn how to be alone. This is going great for me, while I do have the occasional slipup it is not nearly as bad as it was!.
This has been on my mind recently lol
***Alright so I read this thing on "i fucking love science" :
http://www.iflscience.com/chemistry/...ohol-coming-us
Anyway so they made a way to get alcohol into a powdered form, but so far they are not allowed to sell it in the United States... This made me wonder how I could make alcohol into a powered form (Albeit this is 100% useless, especially since I don't really sneak alcohol into places but I think it could be awesome..and it is pretty badass to say the least)
Anyway so I did a bit of a googling and came across a powder called (N-Zorbit M) this is a Tapioca Maltodextrin meant for the absorption of liquids mainly oils.. They tend to use it in very high end cooking to create powered olive oil or powered sauces etc.
Uh for those of you who don't know what Maltodextrin is, it isn't as scary as it sounds. Maltodextrin is basically just treated grain starch that has been reduced to this form. It is like eating sugar essentially, has all the same effects.
Ok anyway so while reading I read that we could mix 30g of liquor with 100g of the powder to create the perfect consistency of liquored powder.
I just wanted to share this with all of you in case someone wanted to try it and let me know how it works out... I just don't want to fork over the $25 for the (N-Zorbit M) and the $25 for a high proof bottle of liquor (I was going to try everclear) (Without knowing it will fully work lol)
This is the site I found for the powder: http://www.willpowder.net/tapiocaMaltodextrin.html
With Shipping and Tax in the US it comes to around $21.
I would recommend using HIGH proof liquor otherwise you will have like 12% liquor for 100g of powder which is surprisingly a lot of powder.
Best of luck, if you are not 21 I would not suggest doing this (Just like to cover all my bases... I am not really 21 either lol)
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