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Thread: help with collage admissions essay

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    Default help with collage admissions essay

    ive been writing a collage admissions essay and righjt now it is horribel. the main point is that i convince my sister to enjoy snowboarding.
    “I can’t do it!”
    “Its easy once you get used to moving sideways, you can’t keep the board flat on the ground. You have to ride on the edge just enough to prevent the board from wobbling. “Let’s go back up the hill and try again.”
    We walk over to the rope puller thing and grab on, letting it side us up the hill.
    “OK, When you go down I want you to turn right and then left. Push your back foot in the direction you want to turn away from.”
    “Can I try it on the trail?”
    “Later, you can’t go up until you can turn and stop yourself. You’ll run into a tree.”
    Chelsea goes down the slope and catches an edge while she makes the first turn.
    “Chelsea,” I projected my voice, “you have to hold your edge up while you turn. Think of it as skidding.”
    She silently glides up to the top of the hill where I am and tries again, obviously frustrated. The second time she goes down she turns perfectly.
    “Perfect!” I yell as I look at her I can tell she’s glowing with pride.
    “Can I try the trail now?”
    “Not until you can stop a little better.”
    “That’s a pretty good idea, let’s go to the lift.”
    Chelsea is still sitting in the snow so I grab her hand and help her up. We slide over to the lift with some difficulty. Chelsea can’t hold the board straight without both feet being strapped in. As we get onto the lift, Chelsea starts to complain.
    “My board is pulling me off the chair!”
    “Try putting your board over your unstrapped foot, so that its weight isn’t just dangling.
    “Should I put the bar down?” I ask.
    “No, I can handle it. Can I ski after this?”
    “I think that once you get used to moving sideways instead of forward, you will love snowboarding. A few more runs, ok?” I poke her and get a laugh.
    The top of the lift is close so I tell Chelsea to straighten her board and get ready to slide off the lift. She falls and the lift chair pushes her so I grab her arm and pull her out so the people on the next chair don’t trip over her. She gets up and lets me pull her away from the lift so she can strap her left foot in.
    As Chelsea straps in her foot I ask her which trail we should try.
    “The left trail is more gradual but has a steep end part that you can slide down on your butt if your not comfortable standing.”
    “What about the one that goes straight?”
    “That one has moguls, little bumps that are hard to go over. You aren’t ready for those. The trail on the right is a little steeper than the left trail, but it has no really steep part.”
    “Let’s go right then.”
    We barely get 100 feet before 3 teenage skiers nearly plow Chelsea as they hit a jump. They sail les than a half foot from her side. “Whoa, that was close! I felt the air rush by.”
    “Yea, those skiers need to be more careful. There is no way they didn’t se you. You aren’t hurt are you?”
    “No, I’m fine.”
    “Ok, is snowboarding fun yet?”
    “Yea, when I get going its fun. Falling is too. It doesn’t hurt like when falling on skis.”
    Last edited by g0tp0t; 11-03-2010 at 04:28 PM. Reason: edited paragraph
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    can anyone help with it? just ideas to make it more interesting.
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    Not sure what a college admissions essay is supposed to look like so I can't give you specific advice, but I can give some honest feedback and constructive criticism (beyond simply saying "spell check! if you turn in a 'collage essay', it will not be read." )

    To be blunt it was boring, and had no setting whatsoever. After a sentence or so I lost interest and it could have been two people discussing snowboarding, or two people at the pharmacy trying to decide on which hemorrhoid cream soothed the fastest. I'm not a snowboarder, so it isn't that interesting to me. (Although I'm sure if I were I probably wouldn't stop nodding "mm hmm. Yup. I remember those days..") If I wanted to listen to people talking about topics I don't understand and they don't appear to want to keep my interest, I'd watch CNN. lol

    Caveat: I'm no writer! But I was thinking something like...

    We had arrived at the slopes early, my sister and I both buzzing with anticipation. As the sun crawled across the cloudless sky, however, her mood changed to frustration.
    "I can't do it!" she blurted.
    “Its easy once you get used to moving sideways," I encouraged, "you can’t keep the board flat on the ground. You have to ride on the edge just enough to prevent the board from wobbling. Let’s go back up the hill and try again.”
    Chelsea followed me back to the tow rope pouting all the way to the top.
    [... insert the filler about lessons on the bunny slope, but cutting back on the dialog and adding descriptive words to paint a picture (try to make the reader BELIEVE they are there watching her 'get it')...]

    Finally conceding to her desire to leave the practice field and try one of the trails I led the way to the lift. Slowly we ascended as the hard wooden seat softly jerked and swayed from the pulleys that operated it as well as the countless skiers getting on and off. At one point high above the ground below she appeared to be sliding forward. "Are you alright?" I inquired, "you're slipping!" "It's the weight of the board, pulling me down." "Place the ski across your unstrapped foot to support the weight." Chelsea adjusted her feet and the rest of the trip to the top went by uneventfully as the top grew ever closer.

    [... insert the filler discussing advice at the top, keeping in mind to keep the reader interested and believing s/he is at the top with you, watching....]

    Chelsea started off on the left most trail as I cheered her on, but had barely skied one hundred feet before three teenagers on skies appeared seemingly out of nowhere. They coated her with kicked up snow like frosting on a cake as they passed close enough to cause the fabric of her snow suit to flutter.
    Racing to her side I pulled Chelsea to her feet and helped brush off the snow.
    “Whoa, that was close! I felt the air rush by,” she exclaimed.
    “Yea, those skiers need to be more careful. There is no way they didn’t see you. You aren’t hurt are you?”
    “No, I’m fine.”
    “Ok, is snowboarding fun yet?”
    “Yea, when I get going its fun," she beamed proudly. Chelsea broke into a large smile. "Falling is too. It doesn’t hurt like when falling on skis.”

    Can you see the change from the beginning of the essay to the end? That 'light bulb moment' at the end where she discovers, finally after her struggle against the environment (in this case maybe struggling to be able to stay upright and turn in the snow) and also against her self (maybe an inner struggle against that voice that says "give up! it's not worth it!"), she is triumphant. Another thing I tried to do was foreshadow the run-in with the teens by mentioning the other skiers on the slopes. When was the last time you went snowboarding and had the slopes to yourself?

    ...anyway... my $0.02. Best of luck!

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    if your going to use ok it has to be in the form as O.K. or use Okay.

    You use alot of periods.

    try use exclamation marks as it adds the the instructor is somewhat yelling or whoever it is(i did not read this just pointing out obvious errors) It's somewhat loud on top of a moutain with the wind and people talking/yelling, so add excitment too it. As it does look very boring

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    yay, i got replies this time :P. thanks, especially to egm for your well thought out repliy =]

    rep++ to you EGM.

    ill post my new draft later, when i get all this stuff fixed.

    Also, thank

    -

    Your right, squancy. i do use a lot of periods. i should fix my sentence structure so it sounds more real and in depth.

    I also fixed the oks, thanks!

    -

    i just went over this with my English teacher and he added a few things. ill definitely post another draft today. this time it will be interesting with more image making words and emotion.
    Last edited by g0tp0t; 11-04-2010 at 06:19 PM.
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    What is the question that is making you write about convincing your sister to go snowboarding?

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    I don't think they're generally looking for dialog. A short story of it would work better and you could put more detail like with your feelings or something. Mine was about unicycling, but i used it as a metaphor for like...trying hard and such rather than just talking about that as a subject. Geddit?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dan Cardin View Post
    I don't think they're generally looking for dialog. A short story of it would work better and you could put more detail like with your feelings or something. Mine was about unicycling, but i used it as a metaphor for like...trying hard and such rather than just talking about that as a subject. Geddit?
    You mean reflecting instead of just telling a story, right? that is probably right. i will have to completely rewrite this then :P


    Quote Originally Posted by cstrike View Post
    What is the question that is making you write about convincing your sister to go snowboarding?
    there isn't a question. this is just for my writing class. everyone has to write a collage admissions essay. we didn't need to write from a question. i think this is just to help us so we write good when we really have to write a collage admissions essay.
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    Quote Originally Posted by g0tp0t View Post
    there isn't a question. this is just for my writing class. everyone has to write a collage admissions essay. we didn't need to write from a question. i think this is just to help us so we write good when we really have to write a collage admissions essay.
    So if I understand this right, you have to make up some story for your writing collage?

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    I love collages! I used to make them all the time in elementary school from magazine cutouts
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    /facepalm

    why didnt i notice that from the beginning! haha

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    Quote Originally Posted by cstrike View Post
    So if I understand this right, you have to make up some story for your writing collage?
    yes, i have to write something that could supposedly be turned into a collage and get me in if it was good enough. not worrying about the questions colleges give. and i don't know how to spell college
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    you could always do something like this, look at this awesome collage!

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    lol, i meant college. i need help with my college essay, not my collage :P
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    Quote Originally Posted by g0tp0t View Post
    lol, i meant college. i need help with my college essay, not my collage :P
    Okay so, what do you need to do for this college essay? Pretend I'm an alien from another planet. I went to university so I have no idea what kind of stuff you need for a college application. They just looked at my grades and made the decision.

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    AHAHAHAHAH I FKN LOL'D.

    Fukken needing help to get into your "collage." Hhaahahaha. I'm sure if any college saw this they'd deny you, by the way.. You should know how to spell "college" when you apply for college.

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    thanks for the advice >.< hopefully ill remember =P

    my teacher just said, 'Write a college admissions essay. he then showed us a few examples. now we are writeing our essays. lol. =]
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    Quote Originally Posted by g0tp0t View Post
    thanks for the advice >.< hopefully ill remember =P

    my teacher just said, 'Write a college admissions essay. he then showed us a few examples. now we are writeing our essays. lol. =]
    So you're not writing it to get into college, it's for class rather?

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    yup, my writing class. and im a horrible writer, which you know if you read my paper :P
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