Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: Final draft of a descriptive paper?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Posts
    2,155
    Mentioned
    4 Post(s)
    Quoted
    42 Post(s)

    Default Final draft of a descriptive paper?

    http://pastebin.com/EvC9tuMc



    Tell me what you think.
    Last edited by JPHamlett; 09-22-2011 at 03:42 PM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Oklahoma, USA
    Posts
    173
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Quoted
    11 Post(s)

    Default

    http://pastebin.com/wuSfqSsC

    I made some edits, fixed some grammar issues, and added some fluff.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    13,241
    Mentioned
    228 Post(s)
    Quoted
    267 Post(s)

    Default

    Biggest issue is still the "ones". Especially when you use one as the audience and as a number in the same sentence.

    You could change it to something like this:
    If one is observant enough they might notice two sets of stairs, onea set leading down to the depths of my basement and one another set leading upstairs to the family area.
    You can't describe the railing as white then say it used to be white!

    Alongside the stairs there is a white spiral railing. One can tell the railing was white at one some point in time, but the paint has been chipped away by hands grabbing onto it as they go down the stairs, leaving behind the black underwire.
    OR

    Alongside the stairs there is a spiral railing that appears to have been white at some point in time. The paint has been chipped away by hands grabbing onto it as they descend the stairs, leaving the black underwire exposed.
    This one is a little awkwardly formed.
    There are veryThe house consists of plain white walls masked by a sea of photographs. to see the white walls you have to move a wall of photos. The re is a vast array of colors; it all seems to blend together, like a soldier’s camouflage blends in with their surroundings.

    Just the main things that stuck out to me

    Very descriptive though
    Last edited by Hobbit; 09-22-2011 at 05:22 PM.
    STOP PM'ING ME

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •