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Thread: Feedback on my narrative descriptive essay?

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    Default Feedback on my narrative descriptive essay?

    A Day In San Francisco

    The warm summer air seemed to hug my body as it blew past me. I could feel the sun radiate intensely against my skin, as I took my first few steps into the warm sand. The smell of salt filled my nose as I watched ocean waves crash onto the shoreline. I lathered sun screen onto my skin so I wouldn't get burned, and pulled up a chair in the sandy beaches of San Francisco.
    I had arrived on a brilliantly clear summer day, a perfect day to be outside and enjoy the weather. People in the distance cooled off in the ocean waters, while others sat and bathed in the sun. I started to relax and closed my eyes. The ocean roared as each wave crashed against the shore, and gently receded back to it's natural state. As each wave passed, a cool breeze would cool off my skin. I found myself drifting asleep listening to the oceans seemingly endless cycle, seagulls, and occasional dog barking.
    I awoke to the feeling of wetness over my feet. I had lost track of time and it is now sunset, and the tide is rising. I quickly get up, grab my chair and head to higher ground. I take a few moments to take in the scenery before I leave the beach. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and admired the suns orange hue over the ocean before it drifted away into the horizon. While the sun sets, the warm summer air is quickly over taken by the cold ocean gusts. I decide to put on my sweater and start looking for a place to eat.
    As I moved through the different districts looking for a restaurant, new sides of the city emerged. I listened to a man play guitar on the sidewalk as I walked past him. The walls were modern canvases for graffiti tags painted by local artists brought the city alive. Unlike menacing graffiti I'm used to seeing at home, the artwork here was masterful. Something the people in this city really seem to pride themselves on, is their appreciation for artwork.
    I would have spent a while longer to try and find a place to eat, but I was starving. My stomach felt tight and I needed to get something to eat. Feeling adventurous, I decided to try something different for dinner that night. I came across an Indian restaurant called Udupi Palace on 21st street. Neon signs hanging from the windows saying “South Indian Vegetarian Cuisine” illuminated the dark, busy sidewalks outside the restaurant. The building was seemingly full of people, there were no open seats in sight. I managed however, to get a small table to myself, since most people came as a group.
    I listened to my stomach as it growled murderously. I needed to eat something. I promptly ordered a single serving of “special vegetable curry” and a side of bread and rice. The waiter brought me my dishes. I thanked him and took my first bite. My taste buds were intrigued by the spices in the curry. There was so much flavor to explore. On one side of the flavor spectrum, there was a cool earthy flavor from the vegetables. On the other side, the spices demanded the dish to be eaten at a slower pace.
    By this time in the night, it was time for me to start heading back to San Jose. I walked over to the train station and started heading home. When I got back into San Jose, I realized how monotonous and boring this city could get. The people surrounding me are all in a hurry to get home from work. If I could live in San Fransisco, I would thoroughly enjoy it. There is so much to do in this little city and I hope sometime soon I am able to revisit one of my favorite places in the bay area.
    My instructor told me I need to work on my verb tense and get a point to my essay. Feedback is greatly appreciated.

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    There's a lot that could be changed, but I'll just choose a few.

    We know it's a descriptive narrative about you because it's written in the first person. Reading the word "I" in almost every sentence makes the reader become bored quickly. Consider forming compound sentences for this.

    Here's an example of verb tense:
    "I had lost track of time and it is now sunset, and the tide is rising."
    "I had" is past tense, "it is now sunset" is present tense, and "tide is rising" is present tense. All three of these verbs of "to be" need to appear in the same tense (past tense, in this case).

    I noticed cases of redundancy in your paper:
    "I would have spent a while longer to try and find a place to eat, but I was starving. My stomach felt tight and I needed to get something to eat."
    You stated that you were starving and needed to eat, then restated it again.

    Consider revising this sentence:
    "I found myself drifting asleep listening to the oceans seemingly endless cycle, seagulls, and occasional dog barking."

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    WOAH - you're getting you're tenses mixed up BIG time. Why do you start to go into the present tense in this paragraph?

    I awoke to the feeling of wetness over my feet. I had lost track of time and it is now sunset, and the tide is rising. - Mixed Tense

    I quickly get up, grab my chair and head to higher ground. I take a few moments to take in the scenery before I leave the beach. - Present Tense

    I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and admired the suns orange hue over the ocean before it drifted away into the horizon. - Past tense

    While the sun sets, the warm summer air is quickly over taken by the cold ocean gusts. I decide to put on my sweater and start looking for a place to eat. - Present Tense
    .... and then you just go back into the past tense. Don't go into present tense.


    Also, don't try to over-complicate sentences by doing too much description. There's a white line between a beautiful description and a boring one.
    Last edited by Abu; 02-25-2012 at 11:32 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by abu_jwka View Post
    WOAH - you're getting you're tenses mixed up BIG time. Why do you start to go into the present tense in this paragraph?



    .... and then you just go back into the past tense. Don't go into present tense.


    Also, don't try to over-complicate sentences by doing too much description. There's a white line between a beautiful description and a boring one.
    Thank you everyone, I got a 4/6 on my paper after a few revisions.

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